It all started when...

The Relationship Intelligence Center began years ago when we noticed how many people struggle with being misunderstood, feeling mistreated, or both - and not knowing what to do next.

Our experience taught us that everyone needs, wants, desires, and deserves the same thing—connection. But not just any kind of connection. What is most desired is the type of connection that meets the needs that we can’t satisfy ourselves, such as our need for attention, affection, and approval. This is what makes relationships so vital, compelling, and challenging.

The question that explains much human misery is, “How do I get my needs met when I don’t know what I need but know that something is missing or just not right?” In this way, the experience of being disconnected is a foremost concern of most people.

The development of Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) provides the foundation upon which every person can learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other. By becoming more relationally intelligent, your relationships climb to the next level, your attitude toward conflict shifts dramatically, and you learn how to profit from life’s most difficult moments - relationship conflict filled with disappointment and distress.

The process of improving your r.IQ focuses on the interplay of three key factors:

Relatability - to understand and be understood while feeling connected to others.

Accountability - to be held to certain standards, compassionately and playfully.

Adaptability - to navigate your relationship with your surroundings for mutual benefit.

By gaining critical insight into your past, identifying the basic needs of what it means to be human, and learning vital skills that turn conflict into connection, you develop the awareness, ability, and willingness to form and be formed, to love and be loved.

whaT makes r.iq unique?

Every great idea starts with a great theory - an idea that promotes contemplation, application, and realization.

Relationship Intelligence (r.IQ) is the constellation of our experiences across countless relationships and situations. When combined with the acknowledgment that humans are intensely social by nature and that relationships alter our neurobiology, shape our sense of self, and influence behavior, we learned that teaching people how to turn conflict into connection with intentionality, curiosity, and flexibility results in most valuable and gratifying human experience - intimacy.

But how do we begin to get what we desire and deserve? One of the keys to enhancing relationship intelligence begins with exploring the peaks and valleys associated with your upbringing and relationship history. Life lessons are what you learned during times you didn’t realize you were being taught. The processing of learning your most important and informative life lessons is the foundation upon which you increase your relationship intelligence.

HOW IMPORTANT IS COMMUNICATION?

Built into the fabric of Relationship Intelligence, it will surprise no one that communication is essential. But there’s something more substantial, vital that when not present, communication falters. What is that something? It’s a connection.

To help understand where communication fits within the r.IQ model of personal development and human relationships, the following three affirmations are offered, each requiring the presence of the before achieving optimal experience.

Without connection, communication fails.

Without communication, relationships fail.

Without relationships, personal growth fails to materialize.

The interplay among these three affirmations sets the stage for dynamic interaction among people. Through these interactions, we gather the necessary experience, insight, and intelligence. Our experiences, insight, and intelligence, in turn, enhance our ability to learn and understand how people are connected to, behave toward, and interact with each other.

The bottom line is that learning how to communicate is important, but to do so effectively, you must first learn how to connect.

WHAT IS MY POTENTIAL FOR IMPROVING RELATIONSHIP INTELLIGENCE?

Relationship Intelligence is determined based on the interplay between two simple questions…both of which require and deserve deep and provocative thought.

Question One - Am I worthy of being loved and respected? Stated simply, am I worthy?

Question Two: Am I competent to get the love I need, want, desire, and deserve? Simply, do I know how to love and be loved?

Did your answers surprise you? Did they reflect a deep truth about you? Do your answers explain why your experiences with love and respect have been harder and less satisfying than you ever thought possible?

What these questions are probing is your attachment history. Interactions with key attachment figures during your upbringing are internalized to form a mental picture of yourself and others. These vital experiences form an internal working model or relational map. Your relational map reflects your sense of self and the world and informs you what, when, and how to act.

It is of great importance that you seek direction and guidance from your relational map during times of conflict. Your relational map reflects your attachment style, which motivates your actions during conflict. Over time, your actions become habits—good, bad, and ugly.

By the way, this is very good news. Why? Because habits can be tweaked, strengthened, and disposed of. Knowing what to do when you usually don’t know what to do is a sure sign your hard work is paying off and your Relationship Intelligence is taking off.

What is a mindset?

Mindsets are critical to optimizing your life experience—self-control, relationship intelligence, and resilience. A mindset is a mental state or attitude that impacts your perception, influences your emotions, guides your thoughts, and directs your actions.

A mindset tells you what, when, and how to do something without asking permission. This is an amazing fact. Knowing how and what your mindset is when going through everyday life's ups and downs is vital to keeping yourself on track.

The great philosopher and leading thinker in the 19th century, William James, also called the “Father of American Psychology,” provided the following statement on this subject matter.

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”

In the world of Relationship Intelligence, altering your attitude of mind and, therefore, altering your life revolves around knowing the significance of three separate mindsets. Each mindset is critical in learning how to turn conflict into connection. Each mindset is powerful on its own. Together, they become immensely effective in managing solvable and unsolvable problems.

The three mindsets built into the r.IQ model of human potential include:

1. Intentionality - moving forward with design and connection in mind

2. Curiosity - keeping an open mind and filling it with what is not yet known

3. Flexibility - adjusting your mind forward; having options so connections don’t break

WHY DO WE KEEP HAVING THE SAME FIGHT OVER & OVER?

Most don’t realize that conflict is the ultimate source of relational wisdom.

Conflict that repeats itself is a signal of unmet needs. These unmet needs can either be recent or remote. Learning to tap into your vulnerability during distress is key to understanding how conflict can be turned into a connection.

During conflict, your instincts compel you to protect yourself, defend your position, lash out, and, sometimes, get even. Your upbringing has programmed you to perceive conflict as negative, unwanted, and something to be avoided. Further, by not challenging your past, you blindly become committed to a life of unsatisfactory connections, spoiled relationships, and unfulfilled promises.

Does this sound familiar?

If so, r.IQ provides the framework for learning the right lessons from your past, moving toward vulnerability, and realizing your relational potential by learning how to ‘turn conflict into connection’.

WhAT are we craving?

Our culture reveres self-sufficiency, seeking sanctuary, and being ruggedly independent. Yet, by doing so, we often feel lonely, misunderstood, and mistreated.

What you crave is closeness and connection - but not just any kind. You desire to be understood, treated compassionately, and told convincingly that you matter. The promise of r.IQ is to end the cycle of disconnection by teaching you how to resolve the tension that conflict produces and learning the lesson hidden within moments of distress and discouragement.

The process of becoming the person you were always meant to be involves learning how to ‘get along with your mind’ while moving in the direction of increased vulnerability. Stated another way, since you will discover more about yourself from the experience of being in a relationship with others, it makes a world of sense to learn how to increase your relationship intelligence so that you can get your needs met and feel more connected to your self, your situation, and your future. By doing so, the world becomes a bit less volatile and uncertain. This is why the r.IQ model’s focus on conflict is so critical.

Why does r.iq focus so much on conflict?

When life goes according to plan, it’s easy to feel satisfied and balanced, even happy.

By contrast, when life goes off course and you experience the unexpected, your mood rapidly shifts, thoughts become negative, and the future appears less promising.

During times of conflict, your unmet needs fuel the experience of emotional distress and psychological turmoil. Initially, you become disoriented and deskilled. Then, the experience of disconnection conveys to you that you have entered a state of ‘conflict.’ What makes such moments so challenging, is how you handle conflict is influenced by the life lessons you learned during times when you weren’t aware you were being taught. By examining your life lessons, identifying your needs, and developing savvy interpersonal skills, you gain relational mastery and become better prepared to regain balance and increase your life satisfaction.

Learning the lessons conflict has been trying to teach you is exactly what r.IQ is all about!

Why can’t i meet the person of my dreams?

We all begin with the ideal person in mind. When we close our eyes, it becomes possible to imagine the appearance, the traits, the responses, and even the sound of our “perfect” life partner.

Yet, in reality, is this possible?

The short answer is - of course. The understanding is needed that once you meet a person that meets your ‘chemical’ requirements (i.e., it feels right, he/she’s the one), then the real work begins. From a Relationship Intelligence perspective, what is needed to meet the person of your dreams is to, one, accept the person for who they are (you’ve likely met a great person with incredible potential); two, it becomes imperative that you understand that you are equipped and burdened with the responsibility of teaching that person how to love you, and only you; and, three, become acquainted with the idea that since conflict occurs in every healthy relationship, it is necessary to learn how to turn conflict into connection.

r.IQ can help you make your dreams come true!

WhAT is the “prize” for becoming relationally intelligent?

The short answer is that as relationship intelligence increases, life gets easier and more satisfying. As you become more relationally competent, it is more common that life goes according to plan and your needs get met.

As you become more savvy as to how relationships work, your needs are more frequently met, you improve your ability to satisfy the needs of others, and the experience of being connected becomes more intentional than accidental. The process of being connected is desirable because it’s then you experience something very special - you feel safe, supported, and validated. Once these three connection features are satisfied, the real magic is realized, and the relationship moves to a higher level, becoming the source from which you improve your sense of mastery and resilience. This is the prize that r.IQ can help you earn!

WhAT’s the most important thing i need to know about relationships?

The one thing and most important thing to know about relationships is that YOU MATTER!

When a relationship is important to you, it’s likely that too many times you compromise, sacrifice, or act as if you don’t matter. You fear that you will not be good enough if you do not give up parts of yourself to please another. Yet, this isn’t true. It never was and never will be. In fact, it’s a lie and a form of self-deceit. The basic truth is that YOU DO MATTER.

Why is this so hard to accept and acknowledge?

Because…one of the basic truths in healthy relationships is that we are ALL willing to do whatever it takes to be accepted, touched, validated, and loved. That is, we are neurologically encouraged to abandon our sense of self and move toward becoming the person we believe we need to be rather than the person we truly are. Thus, the lie feels deeply and automatically true, fueling our dedication to becoming who we believe the other person needs us to be.

In its place, you need to be BOLD, risk-taking, and dedicated toward becoming the person you were always meant to be. This allows you to let go of old scripts “installed” during childhood or uploaded from significant life events. You reconcile the tension between where you “belong” and how you decide to “stand out.” This is what it means to have relationship intelligence, and r/IQ can show you how!

How do i learn to trust again?

In every relationship, TRUST is the last thing to arrive and the first thing to go.

Deciphering this message is vital to understanding how trust is rebuilt.

Trust is the foundation of every relationship. It is vital, essential, and indispensable. Once trust is broken, it feels as though everything has fallen apart and nothing is possible. During such moments, it is critical to return to square one. This concept of ‘square one’ is pivotal to what you know and believe to be true at the ground level.

Square one is an r.IQ code name for trust. Rebuilding trust involves committing to transparency, becoming routinely responsive to the relationship's needs, maintaining a primary focus on “us,” practicing the art of sincerity, and recognizing the opportunities for trusted connections over time.

Only by restoring a sense of genuineness and vulnerability can trust truly be restored. In the end, rebuilding trust takes a great deal of faith, courage, and commitment. Allow r.IQ will show you in person how this step-by-step process works!

Does love last?

The good news is love does last. The less favorable news is lasting love takes work.

To grow a loving connection, you must change your mindset. Typically, you believe that a “love at first sight” connection will flourish all on its own. It doesn’t. Instead, you must shift your mindset from a belief in magical connections to making magic happen in the connection.

To make love last, you must understand that it remains your responsibility to teach the other person how to love you over time. Further, as you change over time, remember to keep the other person posted when your “love needs” have shifted. When your needs change, it’s your duty to be a good teacher. This is great news, as the best way to learn something is to teach it. Relationship intelligence will help you become and remain a good teacher throughout the lifespan of your most important relationships.

They expect me to read TheIr mind. Is this possible?

Actually, yes!

Or, at the very least, sort of. Relationship intelligence is not only about understanding your own deep needs and teaching them to another; it is also about learning to understand the needs of another in a relationship. Many of us have experiences that have taught us what to expect from others, and this is the source of one major problem:

We interpret the present based on our past. Because your mind knows what has happened before, it uses these past experiences to make sense of what is happening in your current relationships. Thus, you do not understand the person in front of you, you instead stereotype them based on your past. Not only does this cause you to be stuck in a loop of what has come before, but it also prevents you from “getting” the person, which is what they deeply need from you.

A major principle of r.IQ is developing the relational mindset to approach a deep understanding of both yourself and the other person. By doing this, you will begin to anticipate their needs and can more precisely meet their needs. The benefit? Not only does this important person get what they need from you, but they will no doubt express the increased intimacy, responsiveness, and validation because it gives you a huge helping of what you need! Come see how r.IQ teaches you to get in the mindset to be a mind reader!

is there such a thing as a relationship genius?

Absolutely yes! The passion behind creating Relationship Intelligence is to help people move toward finding their inner genius. This is defined as no longer having to think about how to “turn conflict into connection.” Instead, relationship geniuses trust their instincts and keep the connection as the primary target. Nothing gets in the way of a relational genius. Connection is the target, and hitting a bullseye is the goal.

How is this accomplished?

First, let me tell you what a relationship genius is NOT. It’s NOT a person who never makes mistakes. It’s NOT someone who remains calm under pressure at all times. It’s certainly NOT a person who always knows what to say in the heat of the moment.

A relationship genius is someone who knows how to learn the lesson that conflict has been trying to teach and moves toward connection to communicate their deep truth. Doing so strengthens trust, grows commitment, and authenticates intimacy.

The true genius within relationships is not knowing what to do but being willing to learn.